I stared at my brightly lit smartphone as it made a small
halo of light around myself and my nursing infant in the dark surroundings of
my 2am feeding. What am I DOING? I
thought groggily to myself as I rocked my little one ever so slightly. Enough. Enough is ENOUGH. I was tired of
all I had to do, tired of never having time to myself, tired of, well,
EVERYTHING. And so I made a decision that I will regret as long as I live:
I turned off my smartphone and turned to look at my baby.
It seemed like an innocent enough decision at first. After
all, I already had two rambunctious toddlers running around, a household to
keep up, money to make, and a new baby on top of everything else? Surely I could
take a break from Facebook and give myself a little more time.
And so my late night feedings consisted of me holding my
little one, sometimes stroking her cheek, holding her little fingers, or even
just listening to her breathe. She’s only
a baby once, I’d tell myself, trying to rationalize skipping Facebook time.
My play time with my toddlers was no
longer broken up into chunks of me updating statuses or browsing the fun photos
my friends uploaded from their recent trips. Instead, I held my toddlers close,
read entire books through, built block towers, and drew my fair share of stick
figure families. No one will even miss me
on Facebook! I can spare this time for my family! I tried to convince
myself, but to no avail.
My world came crashing down one morning as I woke up to my
daughter whispering in my ear, “Mama, I lub you. It’s cuz you’re my mama and I
lub you,” while my son toddled into bed next to me to ‘snugga a mama’. It was
then that I suddenly realized I didn’t remember the last time I had updated my
status. Or read a recommended article. Or even liked some else’s status. Not
even one single like! UNBELIEVABLE! I
wanted to scream at myself. How had I gone from checking my account via
smartphone, tablet, or laptop dozens if not scores of times each day, carefully
following my more interesting acquaintances while sharing all of my favorite
moments of the day to being a mother who spent the bulk of her time with her
children actually WITH her children mentally!? How could I have done that to
myself? I had missed out on so many funny photos, so many amusing anecdotes,
and so many chances to share pictures of my best meals. So much lost time that
I could never get back. But it was too late! I had changed myself so radically, so drastically, that I didn’t even have the desire to log in to my Facebook account, much less spend hours scrolling through numbing posts. I couldn’t go back to where and what I had been.
I knew, then, that I’d
have to endure my loss, accept my fate as ‘The Woman who Checks Facebook Only Intermittently’,
and continue to be mentally present when I spent time with my children. It’s
been a long and difficult road of meaningful experiences with my children and a
greater appreciation and patience for each of them.
I only hope that one day I can forgive myself for making
that horrific decision so long ago of putting aside my smartphone and holding
my child closer to me.
