To the Death of Mom Guilt

I might just lose my temper here. This topic gets me so fired up, I have a hard time controlling my tone when I talk about it and even when I think about it, I feel my blood start to boil.

Mom Guilt.

Our society is a perfect storm for mothers. And I mean the literal definition, "a particularly violent storm arising from a rare combination of adverse....factors".

Now, I believe that all mothers have struggled with different issues over the course of humanity, but our current society has a rare combination of adverse factors, which work against motherhood, to make it seem impossible to be a 'good' mother.

It makes me furious. The number of good, caring, loving women who constantly ask themselves, "Am I enough?", only to answer themselves 'No....' I just can't handle it. Too many good women have guilted and shamed themselves into a corner of frustration where they feel there is no way out.

And if you're a mother? I don't have to tell you this. You already know it. You've felt it. Your kids had too much screen time yesterday.... You shouted at your kids for not listening..... You slept in..... Breakfast was a handful of sugary cereal and a donut.... Just examples, here. What causes shame is different for each mother. Whatever it was that that made you feel guilty, as if you had somehow wronged your child(ren), you've felt the shame and unavoidable guilt after any of these scenarios or others like them.

But.

It doesn't have to be unavoidable.

Let me talk to you a bit about Satan.

Satan, the great deceiver, WANTS you to fail in your pursuits in motherhood. Wants, so badly, for you to hate yourself for your weaknesses. So, he takes a very crucial part of personal improvement and twists it.

That improvement?

Contrition.

Contrition is when you've done wrong, feel badly, and want to change for the better. It's motivating. It can be hurtful, but it results in positive changes in your life.

Guilt is when you've done wrong and feel badly. The end.

God wants you to feel contrition. To feel badly about something but also uplifted to improve. Not to do impossible things. Just a few, small things.

Satan's twist, guilt, is where you feel sick and awful and terrible and there are a million things you've done wrong and you'll never be enough.

So, let's talk about how to make that unavoidable guilt actually AVOIDABLE.

When you start to feel badly about something as a mother, stop and ask yourself:

Is this contrition? Or guilt?

If it's contrition, you still have a bad feeling about what you've done, but along with it comes a motivating desire to change. And you'll feel it sometimes. Not every day. About manageable things. That you CAN change and control. God doesn't ask any of us to change 3,495 things in our lives at once. Just one or two.

And if it's guilt? You'll feel awful. Which will lead to feeling worse. And somehow, you'll remember 3,495 other things that you are somehow failing at and want to curl up in a ball and give up.

God can still use imperfect tools to be wonderful mothers. He only asks that we be willing.

Slow improvements. That's where contrition leads.

This is very different from guilt, where we somehow expect perfection of ourselves.

I get it. I understand. Our children are wonderful, good, perfectly innocent (at times!) babes that we love so dearly that we don't want to short-change them in any way. But guilt will never lead me to be the mom I dream of being and it won't lead you there, either.

The bottom line?

If your children are safe, if they know they are loved, and if you are working to improve in those one or two areas where you have felt contrition....

That's it. You're a good mom. You don't need to feel guilt. I'll repeat. That's IT. You are a good mom.

So, please, for my own blood pressure's sake. Take a DEEEEEEEEEEP breath, tell yourself that you ARE a good mother, your children ARE lucky to have you and you will just so NO to mom guilt!

Please. Don't suffer for the sake of suffering. See mom guilt for what it is- a counterfeit from Satan- and see yourself for who you really are, not the warped sense you'll get from Satan's tricks.

ET's Sushi Recipes

I have taught many a sushi class, both formally and informally, and am frequently asked for my recipes. I usually e-mail them out or make physical copies to pass out, but decided that these may be less than convenient. I decided to,  finally, compile a list of my recipes and rolls online for easier access. Friends and family, enjoy!

Sushi Rice (makes about four rolls of sushi)
2 cups of short grain rice (common brands include Nishiki and Botan)
2 Tb rice vinegar (I recommend Nakano brand)
2 Tb sugar
1 Tb salt

TWO options to make this.

First Option: Put the rice vinegar, salt, sugar, and rice into your rice cooker along with the required amount of water and just press the button. You're done!

Second Option (mostly for those without rice cookers): Steam your rice, then combine the rice vinegar, salt, and sugar into a small bowl. Microwave, stirring frequently, until the sugar and salt are dissolved. Pour this mixture over your steamed rice and mix well.

*HINTS*Allow rice to cool to around room temperature (slightly warmer is fine). If you are in a hurry, you can use your fridge/freezer to speed the process, just be sure to stir your rice often.

Eel Sauce
1/2 cup rice vinegar (I recommend Nakano brand)
1/2 cup soy sauce (I HIGHLY recommend Kikkoman- store brands are crap)
1/2 cup sugar

Combine the ingredients over high heat until boiling. Once boiling, reduce heat to medium low until the sauce thickens, usually 20 minutes. Remove from heat and allow to cool before using.

*HINTS* Put cooled eel sauce into a Ziploc baggie and cut a small corner off, allowing you to pour it on your sushi rolls more beautifully.

Spicy Mayo
3 Tb mayo (NOT Miracle Whip- save yourself!)
2 Tb Sriracha sauce
2 Tb sugar

Combine the ingredients. The end.

*HINTS* Put the spicy mayo into a Ziploc baggie and cut a small corner off, allowing you to pour it on your sushi rolls more beautifully.

Tempura Batter
3/4 cup flour
1/4 cup corn starch
1 1/2 cup COLD club soda
dash of salt

Mix the dry ingredients, then add the club soda. Mix just until combined without large lumps. Add more club soda if necessary to get to the desired consistency.

*HINTS* When you put your finger into the batter, a thin coating of tempura batter should cling to your finger- you should be able to see your finger through the batter, but there should be batter clinging to your finger.

COMMON SUSHI ROLL COMBINATIONS
California Roll
Crab, cream cheese, cucumber, avocado

Kappa Maki
Cucumber

Rainbow Roll
Inside out California roll, topped with any combination of crab, shrimp, salmon, cream cheese, avocado, or other fish- just have at least three varieties. Option of using spicy mayo and/or eel sauce on top.

Philadelphia Roll
Salmon, cream cheese, avocado. Option of using eel sauce on top.

Veggie Roll
Cucumber, green onion, avocado, cucumber (with the option to make the roll an inside out roll and roll it into extra green onions)

Caterpillar Roll
Inside out California roll, topped with avocado. Option of using spicy mayo and/or eel sauce on top.

Spicy California
Crab, cream cheese, cucumber, avocado, and Sriracha sauce inside of the roll, topped with spicy mayo and extra Sriracha

Any roll can be made a tempura-fried roll as long as it is first made with the seaweed on the outside of the roll (inside out rolls do not fare well during frying). Veggie rolls aren't great for tempura frying, however.

Am I A Good Mother? A Real Answer

In a way seldom understood by even ourselves, we question who we are as mothers and whether or not we measure up.

To what?

We ourselves are not always sure. Society's expectations? Our mothers'? Our mother-in-laws'? Our husbands'? Our own?

You may find yourself trying to tick items off a list, looking for some kind of proof that you do, indeed, measure up. 'Am I patient? Am I kind? Do I read with them? Do I shout? Do I shout too often? Do I not discipline enough? Do I discipline too harshly?' The lists go round and round, always seeming to be longer the next time we review them.

But they all boil down to this: Am I A Good Mother?

I propose a long-sought after answer to this simple, yet humbling question, by answering the following three questions.

Ask yourself:

(for children around 12 and under)

1- Are my children safe? Physically, mentally, sexually, emotionally, etc.?

2- Do my children know they are loved?

3- Am I working to improve myself in 1-2 areas?


If you can answer yes to these, I say that you are. You are a good mother. There are many different lifestyles. One may shun the television, another may revel in its warm light for hours. One may enjoy McDonald's once a year, the other, far more frequently. One may read to their child for an hour a day. Another may not make it around to it. Choosing a different lifestyle, so long as it does not compromise your children's safety (McDonald's every meal, every day, for example, would be detrimental to their physical health) is merely a detail in their life and yours, not the definition of being a good mother.

We cannot be perfect in this life. Alas and alack. Would be that I could do everything right as a mother. But I can't. Nor can you. But you CAN work to improve, wherever you need to, bit by bit. That is all you can do and all that can be reasonably expected of you.

Ask yourself:

(for children around 12 and over)

1- Have I done all I can reasonably do to keep my children safe AND teach them to be safe themselves?

2- Have I done all I reasonably can to show love to them?

3- Am I working to improve myself in 1-2 areas?

The questions change slightly as your child matures, simply because we learn that we cannot control as much as we might like to. Children from good homes with good, loving upbringings can still make bad choices, things that cause them to be unsafe or feel unloved. This is something easily understood on paper but difficult to make your heart believe when you experience it. A child who strays, a child who deliberately chooses to endanger themselves, doesn't make you, their mother, bad or unworthy. If you can still answer yes to those three questions above, you are a good mom.

You can hear it from multiple sources, but until you yourself can believe that you are good at what you do, you shortchange yourself and your children. Have confidence. Be perfectly imperfect and still be just what your children need you to be.

Heavy the head that wears the crown. As queen of your own kingdom of children, you bear many responsibilities and all too often, useless guilt. Let that go. Believe that you can be, will be, and are a good mother.